Day 16- Almost being hit

Skipped so many days of not updating my blog, the mundane reason behind is because I was too tired. The very moment I reached my room, the one thing I wanted to do is to just do nothing but yet I still make an effort to update my day to day short story in my Instagram account.

Well, this day deserve a post itself because there were just so many things running in my mind.

So this is day 16, I  had my assessment in the afternoon, thus I was assigned office hour which eventually means that I will be floating around in the ward, asking people what can I help and being pulled to do all scut work. Don't worry, I already get so used to it especially when the ward you are nesting in is super under staff.

Alright, this is what happened

Supposedly to leave the ward at 2.30 pm because will be having assessment at 3.00 pm and you tell me, who doesn't like leaving the ward early? Even half an hour early is a joy when you start working. Anyway, before I leave there's this confused patient wanted to go shower, but just so you know he had already showered and in ward, you are to only showered once especially when you need assisted shower. Anyway, this man was with oxygen, he had pretty low saturation without supplementary oxygen I would say, and super unstable when it comes to walking, moreover he had a designated fall alarm, oh yeah and also IV plug being connected to a running medication.

So he was trying to stand up, and of course, I ran there and immediately (a normal reaction) asked him not to as I afraid that he would fall. You know, I am just doing my responsibility, well mannerly telling my patient to not stand as it might jeopardize him, but in return I got shouted and yelled at and almost being hit for stopping him. Of course, at this point all I thought of is making sure  him do not get out of the bed, firstly because he had a plug that's still connected to the IV and imagine if she just walked away like this, the whole plug will be pull off from her skin, so no no and secondly, when he stand up, he was so unstable that he fell back down to the bed, so do you think he can actually continue walking to the toilet? The answer definitely is a big NO. So when he started to raise his voice, I started to raise my voice a little bit too (another normal reflect, that my mom called it low EQ lol), but not in a rude way, telling him to please just sit down and wait. Again, in return, he pointed at me and started shouting and asked me to go away, and when I wanted to response one senior of mine came by and started to sooth the patient in a quite "cute", apologetic way and then eventually allowed him to do whatever he wanted to do. She looked at me and said it's ok, just let him.

At this point when I see, I was shocked?? Speechless for like one to two seconds I think, I was shocked by the way she handled the patient. You think I was in awe of the way she settled the patient? NOOO, I was quite disappointed by it. I was like, why do we allowed him to get out of the bed just because he wanted to when his diagnosis said it all out that he's not encouraged to do so? Another thing, why do we have to sound so apologetic every time even when we did NOTHING WRONG at all? Is it because we were so afraid of their complaint that it will affect our performance result? Or think maturely, maybe this is one of the way to reduce any unwanted commotion?

Many of the time, when the patient was furious about something, it doesn't matter what, we are the one that get blamed for everything by the patient themselves. Maybe I am still new, and still not get used to it, but living in a place where complaints are mostly being treated as their Top 1 priority is hard. Every single time, we have to take care of their emotion not making sure that they are not depressed, but is to make sure that they are not angry with us, even when they shouted at us for nothing, we still need to fake a smile and say sorry, this really compromise one integrity. Just so you know, we are human, we are doing job that not everyone wanted to do, and we do not required much from you, we don't need you constantly thanking us because this is our job to take care of you, all we need is you to be good, and listen because all we wish is for you to discharge as early as possible. That's our top 1 priority.

Up till now, there's still a lot going in my mind, just so you know, do not ever compromise your integrity or your principle for anything. You might think I am hard headed, and some people even tell me this would be hard for me to survive in this industry. But trust me, I need not to survive in one particular industry, I just need to live and make sure I won't sink and I think, I am doing a pretty good job at that.

Alright, ranting done. Thank you for reading and good night.

Day 9

Let's start this from day 9,

I kind of lost count of how many days have I been in the ward because of hospital induction, ward induction, all sort of classes and orientation but anyway, I think from now on I will start to uploading at least one post in my blog (the writing might be long or might be just a few sentence short) so one day when I look back, I will laugh my ass out for being a little bit too childish.

Anyway, I will keep everything in my blog as short as possible, because you know, no one really like to read long harangue of words and words after one damn day of study or work. So let's get started. 

Just for your information I am not here to share what exactly have I did or what have been done on me in the ward because that's not my intention, sharing events and all , I am here to just post out my thoughts after a long day of working and how I look into people and things after observing in a different perspective. 

Let's just do a little introduction of the ward that I am nesting in, I am currently in a cardiac and respiratory ward and of course we also accept cases like general medicine, so our ward basically is as busy as ever, like it required us to run like 24 hours non-stop.

Ok, let's start with today day 9, 

So what happened today was, because I am still a super fresh out of oven cookie, so I wasn't allowed to do anything without anyone supervision (just in case we made any error). Well, let's not go into details of what we usually do because it's just routine work that would eventually bored you out. 

So, today my preceptor told me this, "do you know why are we doing this for each other eventhou this is not our task to do? Because you know, if we help them now, one day we gonna need help from them and they will eventually help us back, and if you don't help, trust me no one will come back to you"  As simple as that, some wise word from my main preceptor. Just so you know, works can never be done alone when you are working in a health care field. There's no such thing as one man show, even if you are the one and only specialist, a doctor, a physio or whatsoever, as long as you are being located in hospital, patient is your main client, then every single one that is employed by the hospital would have to work together as one team. It doesn't matter which position you are holding.

Yes, when you started to work,  people tend to tell you to mind your own business because not everyone you know is as positive as an apple, some may try to go behind your back, some may try to push all the responsibilities to you so that they will be out of trouble even though you are not in charge of any of the task that they assign you to, but just so you know if all these do exist, I bet good people in the ward do exist too.

You know, if there are good and bad people in the ward, be conscious a bit la, go la mix with the good one so you can get better vibe from them while working. Just to tell you, you are gonna spend almost 1/4 or maybe more of the time working, working and working, sometimes when you do afternoon shift and the next shift is morning, it seems like you never leave the ward, that's why your colleague are important. 

Their helps are not everything but are most of the thing when it comes to patient's care. When you are busy passing report, they will be the one that help you to finish up, when there's a new admission and you are still busy taking parameter, they are the one that you can ask help from, when you face with some inevitable trouble from the patient, they will be the only one who will back you up, when you are traumatized by patient's words or action, I think they will be the only one who can do something for you. Even though they are just being termed  as "colleague"  but when it comes to healthcare field, or more specifically nursing field, then they are the friends you needed in the workforce. 

Well, so you go, day 9 in ward just ended like this.

Alright the end. Till next time.

The only post, 2018

Just realize the very last post was like one year ago. (What a shame!)

Contemplated so long whether to write this blog post or not because I bet it's gonna to get pretty personal. haven't been really reading much, thus the vocabulary might be a little too simple. Haven't been writing much, I totally lost track of my very  last time holding any pen to really jot down something meaningful, thus apologizing for the imminent long confusing grammar mistake. Told myself to at least write one blog post since I have been a super useless brat for the past few month, doing exactly nothing, slackening, binge watching unnecessary drama which I hated, whatever you name it, probably I have done it all.

Well, without further long explanation I think I shall begin with... maybe everything that had happened in 2018. Such cliche post right!!

Nothing much happened between January and February, but if you want me to list out one particular event, it would be the misunderstanding and the commotion that happened between my family. I can't bear to explain more on this, not especially here but all I could said is that, if there's any unsatisfactory between one and another, don't ever try to run away from it. Unsatisfactory is like a huge parasite, it sucks all of your energy, if you have a problem, don't drag it!! Damn it, curse the shit out of it and then solve it together.

March, one of my favourite month I would say and yet it sadly started to become one of my least liked month. This is the month where I lost my dad, that one man that truly means a million to me, that one man that would give me everything despite hard circumstances, that one man that had been consistently asking me regarding my forthcoming convocation with tears streaming down because he knew, that few months from March seems like forever that would never happen.

I don't tell all this to anyone, not even people who I have studied with, not even the lecturers that had been asking me of my sudden absence in clinical, not even my extreme close friend until I am ready to tell. The reason why I do not like to tell people all this because first, it's something pretty saddening, so that's no point of telling when they would just ended up asking you what exactly had happened rather than asking whether I am alright or not. Secondly, I do not want to feel entitled to anything around. Just because I have lost someone in life, that doesn't give me any right to do or receive anything differently. I have seen people, with a more troubling life survive the whole damn journey of life themselves without complaining of them being different than the ordinary. This is just me, I don't like people feeling sorry for me. Alright not gonna write a long harangue on this.

Besides, March was the month where I went to different sort of beauty pageant audition, and failed most of the time. Where's the shame to stop man?? Sorry mate, I just can't stop. Unless they said I am not in the prerequisite anymore. I was s adamant to go for the audition to try it out even though I will be having a huge exam the next day. I took the bus on Friday night, then reached the next morning, mind still thinking of tons of exam questions after done with the audition, went to my friend's house, studied and studied then took the bus at night to go back to my university, then sit for the exam straight and that's how far I would go.

I can't really keep track of the month, so I would just continue my blog post maybe in pin point form.

2018, a year where I finished my own research which before and after that I realize it contributed nothing to the field that I am studying, but at least I got an insight of the opinion from the young one towards the field that I am studying.

2018, a year where I went to other country with my course mates. Decided to, again write a blog post about it, and actually I did start writing, but after few sentences, my brain went completely blank and the post was left there, in the draft folder, alone, with word of "Vietnam Trip". Anyway, it was a good trip, but also a very rush and we spend most of the time in the bus, travelling from state to state I think. Most of the time all I thought about was the time of the bus schedule, and make sure we manage to catch up with the bus, and honestly, I didn't really explore much of their culture which made me felt this whole trip is never enough, like there's something lost in there that I need to go and explore again.. 5 days in 3 different state or area, really a hustle and bustle trip but definitely a memorable one.

2018, a year where I again joined Miss World Malaysia, hoping for major changed but to no avail it's just the same as all the previous year yet they do have a really produced a good winner this year which manage to put Malaysia at the top for many categories of competition. There were so many on going commotion going on the competition, would definitely write a post regarding this so that when I look back one day, I would realize how strong the girls were even though the short one (which is 170cm below) were being treated so differently with the tall one. I am not bashing anyone, all of the contestant regardless of their height were super sweet, kind and extra helpful!! It's the management that failed and created tons of shitty nonsense. Alright will definitely update one post on this, next...

2018, a year where I passed my board exam, which means that I am officially a certified nurse who can give you IM injection right on your ass, besides, it's also this year where I graduated with a first class bachelor degree. 4 years of studying and playing so hard but was only given that 4 seconds on the stage. Yay..... Hey, wait at least I don't have to pay back the loan, ok then the four second on stage is good then.

Alright, it took me like one week to finally finish this up, and now finally I would have one post in 2018. Just before I end, remember to do what you love, time won't wait for anyone, just do it man!!

Aim

I tended to just post one photo, just solely one like how I always update my previous post, like how other sentimental person in articulating their thought just through words, no picture, no emoji, none but writing a whole long post with just words, it seems to be legitimately more professional and persuasive right? No, I am not gonna do that because I am just not them. I don't have to follow their steps if I do not want to, because this is just not me, I like snapping photos, I especially love snapping photo of myself and video logging some of the memory event, so here I am today, for this particular post, I am so gonna give it all, uploading the photos which I felt worth remembering, most importantly, worth sharing. ❤

Running is all about reaching the destination, it doesn't matter how tired you get in the middle of the run, or how slow you turned out to be even from the start, all it matters is whether you would continue to run or you would just give up entirely in the middle of the track, blaming your own muscle for not toned enough, pointing finger at your spike shoes for not functioning well like how you wanted it to be, or anything but yourself.

I remember the last time I really push myself running heavily to the maximum is when I was 19 years old, and that was like 4 years ago and at that time I did not know anything about spike (well of course, I am not like a very well trained athlete or what), all I knew was that in order to run fast, you just gonna take off your shoes and run bare foot as it will help decrease the surface area or whatever pressure that you are gonna exert on your sole, and I turned out winning a bronze medal after disposing my shoes high up going barefoot for the entire run.

So after 4 years, I was again given a chance to run, it's not really like I volunteer myself to run or had undergo intensive selection to be chose but yet I was given a chance to substitute others, so why not just grab this opportunity and try it out. Moreover, whoever taking part in the competition would eventually get a free ride to and back from Penang Island. It isn't really like a big deal for those who are studying in any big city, but for people like us or just me who are struggling in the area which only had limited shopping mall and no entertainment at all, it would be like skitters falling down all the way from the sky.

We were all asked to train before handed, and with the exams and I was so lay back that I don't even bother to take a step onto the field, so I wounded up not doing anything before the competition, like doing exactly NOTHING in particular.

So on the competition day itself, it was kinda scary at first and yeah, I screwed up the whole thing. I was thinking, well it's just 200m, just run and don't stop, and most crucially, remember to breath. And yes, I do have this audacity to not breath while running and that's why I always finished up the run with stars dancing around me with the urge to purge.

I ran, and I did not stop.

People started to cheer, shouting my name, encouraging me to run as swift as I can, all of the sudden a pang of awkwardness strike through me. I was hoping no one that I knew or from the same house as I am was watching me, because many of them were having high hopes by looking just at my physique because they felt that a tall growth person would probably have a higher tendency to dash as fast as lightning but what they didn't know is that a tall growth person can have a very weak stamina like me, a tall growth person can be proportionately wrong with a long body and a short leg that made them to look so tall that they felt the confidence in winning yet they were as short as other people around, again like me, and a tall growth person can be someone that could not run if she/he didn't train as hard as other teammate, yeh... like me. 😝😝

"Pang"  and there I was out there, running my life out, I held my breath so hard that, again I forgot to breath so I started to concentrate more on my breathing, and my attention immediately altered to my breath counting and I lost track of running. 10 second before I reached the finish line, my energy had totally worn out, I wanted to stop, I was frantically searching for the finish line like, how long do I still need to reach that white line, I started to slow down the pace, even by looking back at the video that I asked to record, I can basically see how my pace deteriorate, and I was like, what the hell had happen?? Push, Push, Push... Push harder, you can definitely do it remember how to strive while you were in secondary school? Run, Run!! Don't let people at the back to over take you, don't don't.

I tried to take a peek to see if I was the last one and kudos to myself, I didn't finish as the last person in the line, but the last two. lollll.. Well, you deserve it ok you lazy bumblebee. At first, I thought guilt will wash over me once I reached the tent, yet, NO, what I felt is remorse for not really doing my best, for not running as fast as I could at the last few second, for slowing down too much that people at the back manage to overtake me just a click like that.

I am a very complicated thinker, sometimes I thought about a lot of unrelated stuff. Few minute after the competition, different stuff started floating in. I started to think of what would happen if I trained harder before the run? I started to push the responsibility away, by telling myself that, "Nope, this is not my thing, this is not what I work for, so I am not to blame. I am never good at this, no no, that's why I lost" Ok, shut up. Shut all these away. STOP.

Even at the beginning of the competition, I never aimed to win anything at all, and this is why I didn't push myself to the edge, that's why I lose to the people out there and little part of myself, I didn't pressure myself like how others pressure themselves to at least win a gold, I set my aim so low that I told them, I just wanna finish my line, and not ended up as the last runner on the track, and yes I did it, even though in mind, I knew that I can be better than that.

When you set your goal too low, you never bother about the placement you get, and when you set your goal a little bit lower, you tend to get slacken away that you won't do your best even the right circumstances were just in front of you and that's why the thought of " I can do much more better than this" occur within me after few minutes looking at the field. Because my goal to win is so low that, I didn't even push myself strong enough to at least overtake the person right in front of me which was just like few second ahead of me. I usually set my goal high, but when it comes to things that I am not comfortable with, I started to back away, and that's when my mentality became weaker as I run, because I kept telling myself to only keep running, but not to win. And you know, if you start telling yourself not to win anything, but just enjoy the run, yesss, I have it all, and this give you more reason to not work harder.

So, it's kind of a lesson I manage to understand. I know, we actually can control all of our action, the outcome and everything, but first of all you have to go the right mind, you have to set your goal right, otherwise you would just ended up nothing.

So, did I set my goal right? I do not know.. I was telling my friend, I can't win and I don't care whether I get into final  or not as long as I am not the last to reach the line. But on the other side, I was asking myself, is this right? Is this what you want? Or actually, you wanted to win, but just that everything is kind of a little bit too late? Well, such paradox statement isn't it.

Because till now, I have no idea what exactly I really want? But you know what, since it had already for over for 2 days, so I will just let it flow out of the stream, but the lesson learnt is not to be forgotten, till next time.

#2 Travel Log

CLICK HERE FOR THE VLOG

Yay, and finally I done editing the videos of me invading Kedah after my brother manage to crack open the trial version of the editing video programme!! Considered myself stupid for not using his talent in doing such thing and consistently complaining about it at the previous post.

So, here is the 2nd trvalog/ vlog that I have done. When it comes to recording video, I have no idea whether I did do a great job or what, because I seems to compile everything that seems unrelated to each other, but the result gets me giggle all the way through the video. It's not like the greatest video with the most appropriate effect, at least people that I knew approve with the content I did, so that's more than enough, cause you know, it's really hard to satisfy almost everyone in the world, some might look at my video as boring as an owl, or some might view it as interesting as something they had never attend before, or some might not even care a single shit about, yet it doesn't matter, like how what I always said, you either click to watch till the end, or you just cross and leave. 

So in this case, if you are interested on my second Vlog, always felt free to click here. You don't need to pay a single cent to watch this, so do click it open and have a look.

(There were actually a lot of commotion going on while I was there, just that I do not have that enough time, or maybe didn't thought of taking out the phone to record it, but anyway it was an enjoyable trip especially when you get to meet people that you barely seen, close to people that you rarely get in touch with, so here you go)

So, I will come back, till the next video.

Travel log

Well, I didn't know where should I start. I remember posting a photo of me travelling in one of my blog post like few months ago, and I wounded it up in the draft at the end of the day, because I was just too lazy to pick up writing again, especially when you are not in that exact mood to write, moreover, some of the very rare occasion, my brain will just go **shrupp** entirely empty and I couldn't even think of any nice vocabulary to fill in the blanks, yeah, like right now.

Anyway, before I depart any trip with my friends, I always told them the same damn thing, like
:" You know what, this fine time, I am so going to record every single details and make a perfect Vlog." And you know, some of them will be like looking at me with that sarcastic unbelievable expression, some will even roll their eyes and give out a small snicker.

Yeah, and that's exactly how I told them, and yes, I did record tons of video, like those which are really, really, really and really unrelated, like recording myself pushing the luggage, recording myself register in the reception, paying the receptionist, the chandelier on the ceiling and stuff like that, it's just all useless content in the video, but hey who will actually record every single detail of the day when you are focusing enjoying every single details of the eventful scenario.

For an example, we booked a hotel which was just located opposite the sea, and you know what, we were so lucky that our room's window were facing directly to the east where we were all able to witness the beauty of sunrise, and sadly to say, I miss t, but I itanage to catch up after that, and this was the moment where I won't scavenge my purse or bag, trying hard to locate my phone, trying to swipe the screen as fast as possible to record this mesmerising scene, well, I actually did that but still, I didn't manage to have a good quality of picture since I am using a pretty out-dated phone, so I ditched the phone to aside and enjoy the sunrise, but of course, I am not an artsy person, like don't ask me "what's the figurative meaning of sunrise for you", well, I think first, I will give a tight slap and tell you to go search dictionary, because sunrise, IS SUNRISE. So instead of enjoying how the sun light touched our skin, warmth our body, I just pull the curtain shut and continue with my beauty sleep. #reality ok.

Well, to cut everything short and sweet, I'm just going to post the worst Vlog that you guys have ever seen.

First of all, the Vlog was so bad that, I misspell the state.

This Vlog is so terirble that, there's this software name covering the whole Vlog. Well, you cannot really blame me for that. First of all when I downloaded it from the internet, I didn't know that it's only a trial, and it wasn't state there either, so I thought, well maybe the creator of the software was so kind and generous that, he/she present this thing for free, so I clicked the download, without realising that you can't really save the video until I done editing the video for two hours.

Well, well, look.. imagine you were studying the entire 4 hours in the room, expecting to strive for your first assessment paper, you ended up skipping lunch and dinner, then out of the blue the lecturer positively and happily tell you that the exam that you are about to take is just for the sake of testing your intelligence, no marks were apparently given, alright, put it a simple way to explain it, this exam is just for fun!! YOU KNOW, JUST FOR FUN!!! Right right, that's the feeling, that's how I felt after I done editing and they told me I can't save my original video as it's only a trial set. Oh well, you mess with the wrong girl then, no matter how, I would have to elicit that video out from the software, it doesn't matter how, I was trying so hard to find a way, and there's three choices for you, like the rigid three choices.

First, just ignore the video and redo a new video with another software.

Secondly, buy the whole new version of the software, so you an save the damn travel log.

Thirdly, export the video but with wording covering almost your 50% of your travel log

So what do you think I would choose?

I am not someone that give in easily and I don't do things for the sake of nothing, so first choice definitely not the option. But then, I was quite stingy when it comes to spending money, sometimes I don't even spent more than RM50  a week for food, moreover you are asking me to buy the whole software package which cost around 35 US dollar for a video editing software that really do not much good to me. Come to think about it, US dollar man, since I am currently in Malaysia, so I have to times $35 with 4 which gives the number of RM140 then the shipping fees and stuff, add another RM 100, which I think I would end up burning RM240 for this damn thing, NO NO... that's not me, cross this out please. As for the last resort, well, I want things to be perfectly nice, but how can the video be flawlessly perfect when I spelled the state wrongly at the introductory slide? So, since spelling error already ruined the whole thing, so I don't think the wording will do anything worst, and so the video is produced.

Of course, I felt quite frustrated for this, but who to blame when you just tick the term and condition without reading it. So, no one to blame. 

Alright, that's the story of mine surviving making a travel log which I combined everything together because, you know, we human tend to make things complicated by always doing extra job which is unrelated or unnecessary, like how some people prefer to use bombastic words to write a blog as if they are going for vocabulary competition.I wanna make things simple thus I decided to merge every travel video together and ta-da!!! 

Anyway, the travel log is a combination of a few states that we went, the first was Terengganu trip, in case you are wondering where the hell is this place, you can just google it alright? I am trying to build up your creativity. It was a fun, light-hearted and memorable trip that we ever had.

Booking affordable hotel with 4 star service was unimaginable, eating food and exploring the place was challenging when you know exactly no one there, having to drive manual all the way for 2 hours from Kelantan to Terengganu isn't as simple as you think especially when it comes to those who wouldn't even step on the clutch when you need to change the gear.

Well, we spend around 2 days and 1 night there, and the hotel was really quite up to the standard, we didn't request room right in front of the sunrise but yet they still gave us the perfect room for fascinating view directing not only for the sunrise but the sea view as well. The swimming pool wasn't as grand as I have expected, but was definitely enough for someone like me who can't even float on the surface of the water, and the breakfast buffet!! Gosh....  I totally lost impression of the food that we ate in the hotel, but all I remembered was that, the variety choice of breakfast was really the most satisfying one. Alright, not to mention exactly where we went, but we went quite a lot of places, and we even went to Tasik Kenyir after letting the coin to make decision for us. Like, if it's flower side then we would go to Tasik Kenyir, if it's another side of the coin, then we will straight back home, and eventually God wanted us to explore the beauty of nature so that we would appreciate what's the mean of balancing life as a human with nature, we  eventually get the side that direct us to Tasik Kenyir. We went to a waterfall, witnessing different kind of butterfly flying above us, looking at different kind of insects without really knowing which type of species they belongs to.

So I really forgot almost everything that happened on that particular days, all I remember was that, we enjoyed ourselves pretty much even though it's just a small state in Malaysia, honestly, you never know what your country have to offer until you experienced it yourself.

Trust me, if you wanted to travel as budget as possible, try going around Malaysia with your friends, when it comes to hotel, you can always choose the budget hotel and if more people are joining your group, then of course you can chose a better hotel, but yet some of you might need to sacrifice your sleep on the floor or the sleeping, but you know what, no matter how much you pay for the hotel, besides the service and the facilities, all you need is a place to crash, so why not choose the hotel that you can afford, and spend more on the venturing around the town, trying out different kind of cuisine that you have never tried before.

I should actually write more about my other road trip, but sorry, I feel like sloth right now. Alright I think I will just stop here, and update again next time and please do enjoy the video, it's of course, not even HD and not even the best version of travel log, but you know what, it's way more better than nothing right, So enjoy. 

That Valentine

I do the talking but yet sometimes I prefer typewriting and that's why this post occurred out of the sudden from nowhere.

I am expressive but in some occasion I rather to be prim and demure, tentatively listening to every bits of people's conversation.

I am brave but at the same time I am so shy that I am not brave enough to show the one that I hate the most the meaning of love so we can ultimately transform the world into a better place.

Most of the time, (I know) I mean nothing more than an ant to whole lot people out there but I know, I am everything to my valentine this day.

I think without further babbling nonsense, this is for you, the one that I hate and love.

To My Valentine,

       There were just too many things that I am extremely thankful for, I know I have been reciting the same old passage every time I started writing to you, it only shows how much that particular action actually etched in my mind. Well, "thank you" seems to be a little too pragmatic in this occasion as every couple are using it as an appreciation word, so to make it a little bit different and refresh, I will do it another way, well, which is by not typing "Thank you" in the letter, but writing out what I adore the most about you in our relationship. So, here it goes.

       I have known you for the past few years, and we have been dating since then, and greeting seems to be a M-U-S-T routine to be done the first in the morning and the last at night, and this made you a total gentleman with courtesy, that's definitely a 10/10.

      You never stop being a punching bag of mine. Being with you, I will eventually started to be more picky and annoyed of every single details that both you and I did. When I am super unsatisfied with you or whatever that had crossed my way, you are always the one that would ended up being pinch, slap, beat all over the body, especially your well trained chest, yet no matter how hard I hit, you never fought back, all you did was just frown and stared at me asking me to stop with that sad, pitying funniest way. (At least for me)

       You are a certified true listener. A lot of things had happened, and I came to realise that you are kind of the only one that I can really confide my secret and set back to. You are always there, trying your very best to solve every tiny problem that I faced without a single notion to belittle me of my problem. 

       You are not romantic enough, and that's just too right for me. I always imagine myself receiving hundreds of roses, but yet I will be started to wonder, what can I do with the hundred stalk of roses after that? Not that I can preserve it till the end of my life, not that it wont wilt, moreover it cost more than hundred to have that bouquet of instagram worth picture, it doesn't sound logic to me. So, one rose will be enough, but make sure accompanied by present. ( I can sense your relieve ).

     You never ask for anything from me, not even for your birthday. I always have this tendency to ask you what you want, hoping that you would never ask for anything expensive since you lost the most expensive watch that I gave you few years ago, yet you never seems to want anything from me, because you told me I am the best gift, and staying right beside you is what you want the most. (Ok, enough enough, disgusting)

      You have ego, but you know when to and not to use it, and who to use it to. This is what give you confidence. 

      You wash up all the dishes everytime after home cook meal because you are the man that agreed on woman wasn't the only human being should be doing the household chore, man too are obliged to this.  

       You are funny enough to make me laugh boisterously without feeling awkward in the public.

       You are sarcastic enough to enlightened my every day with small little joke and yet serious enough to convince me that your sarcasm is true. 

       You are always  making me warm and happy when you yourself have nothing. This is what I considered the mightiest thing you have done in our relationship. How do I describe it? You are the skeletal, bone covering the space within you, yet you are willing to break one of your rib just to fulfil material things that I am desperate for.

       You are 24/7 treating me like a princess and a Queen. When my shoelace loosen up, you would erase all your pride, squad down right in front of thousand just to tied the shoelace for me even though most of the time you messed it all up.

      You are an inspirational body. I have high vanity and self esteem, I would never bow down to admit how much you have done to me, yet the truth is that you have given me more than enough. Many of the time, you inspired me in many different way. You won't lecture me, but indeed talk to me as a friend when I did something wrong. You don't try to correct me when I was so obstinate convinced that my decision is right when it's wrong, so that I can learnt the mistake and elicit the lesson from here.

      You exposed me to so many different sort of life by always updating me with all sort of current issues so that I won't fall behind he trend.

      You supported my dream, telling me to be bold to chase upon my dream, even though most of my dream never seems to please you, but you know my final destination is never up to your right to change, but me myself. You ask me to go for what I want, and you even gifted me a bracelet carved with "Dream, Believe, Achieve". I remember how you sit right at the edge of the bed, explaining the meaning of every words (not that I am stupid or what). You told me:" The "Dream" indicates your own dream, you told me you dream and I want you to have that dream of yours, and when you have dream you don't just say it out loud, you have to believe it, and that's why the "Believe" word is after that. Only trough believe you will have action, and that's when you will achieve all of the dream and goal that you have set. and that's why the "Achieve" is there at the last position." Yeah, you told me something like that, and from that day on wards I knew, you are definitely a keeper.

     There suppose to be a lot more to type, but for now, this is it for you and for the public. Any other extra things, I will personally whisper them into your ear. See you. 


You are not the perfect guy that a woman have been seeking for, especially not me, but you are just the right one for me, at least for now so cheers to more years to come.

p/s : Saying I love you doesn't really work for us, thus a simple thank you will do. Tee hee!!!

That talk

Done talking to her and one of the foremost question which I have never imagined myself asking was :

" Hey, why haven't you call me in a while, I can't get used to it" Yet, she asked me to better get used to it, so that I won't get so depressed when they didn't give a ring.

She told me, if there's problem, what do we do? We focus entirely on the problem more and try to fight and eradicate the problem with all the will that we have without being distracted by other. Some of the time, I thought that she was the most positive person in the entire universe, because when things happen, she was the one that I immediately referred to, if I can't differentiate the difference between cabbage and carrot, she would definitely be the number one call number to go to. When thing doesn't work out my way, she would be there, giving me all sort of beneficial advice, but today, she told me:

"I am not a positive person, do you know how narrow I am. **Tired** " and yes, I answer :" Yeah, I know."

She is emotionally, physically, and psychological strong minded person, but yet she breaks down when things go wrong, especially when it involved life changing experience. This apparently trying to show me that, sometimes it's okay to break down for non particular reason that make no sense to others, sometimes it's okay to be fragile and cry right in front of the person that you never wanted to show how your mascara smudge due to the immense tears flowing out from the inner canthus of the eyes, sometimes it's okay to tell how you felt to an inconsiderate person even if it gives an impression of you being weak in front of them.

All of these are okay, because who told you that complaining equivalent to being weak? And who said crying indicating that you are breakable?

We are all human, we are made up of fresh and organs that function dependently to one and another, one break down immediately others started to shut down, we composed of blood flowing 24/7 every single millisecond, all the physiology are all perfectly designed and package into a human, and yet alteration would happen even if we try our best to protect it. Just like a newly buy exorbitant sports shoes, when we walk with that particular shoes, we try not to let the sand or mud to get onto the surface of the shoes because it's just so new and clean, just like how we try to eat as healthy as we can in order for the body to function just fine because we just thought that's how everything were suppose to be, being healthy, staying positive, happy go lucky, and ta-da... But along the way, when you were walking with the new shoes, you eventually get distracted, you get so distracted that you accidentally step into a pool of mud without you even noticing, but you started to ignore because you just felt it doesn't worth that much of your time to care about it and there's much more important thing to do, just like our body, while we age along, we ignore a lot of the things that would cause major harm to the body, some sacrifice their own identity to chase their goal, some do something that's against the law of the body just to have the one-time-satisfaction, but body is not like the shoes, the harm you did might not gives an immediately effect like how the dirt did to a white shoes, because when we first ignore the dirt, we eventually accumulate more dirt, and eventually we break down in term of emotionally and physically.

Alright, I don't know what kind of example I am trying to give here, but to make it simple and clear, every human are strong, paradoxically, every human are fragile and weak too because weakness strengthen us. (Oxymoron)


So after a long phone call, she told me:

"You know what, you have so many friends to talk to, so that should be okay for you without us calling you isn't it."


Well, just wanted to tell you, and I bet I have already told you is that,

"Friends, never have a chance to make me feel lonely, but without your call for even a day, I felt that I have myself got into loneliness trap, you have to know, you are just irreplaceable."