Aim

I tended to just post one photo, just solely one like how I always update my previous post, like how other sentimental person in articulating their thought just through words, no picture, no emoji, none but writing a whole long post with just words, it seems to be legitimately more professional and persuasive right? No, I am not gonna do that because I am just not them. I don't have to follow their steps if I do not want to, because this is just not me, I like snapping photos, I especially love snapping photo of myself and video logging some of the memory event, so here I am today, for this particular post, I am so gonna give it all, uploading the photos which I felt worth remembering, most importantly, worth sharing. ❤

Running is all about reaching the destination, it doesn't matter how tired you get in the middle of the run, or how slow you turned out to be even from the start, all it matters is whether you would continue to run or you would just give up entirely in the middle of the track, blaming your own muscle for not toned enough, pointing finger at your spike shoes for not functioning well like how you wanted it to be, or anything but yourself.

I remember the last time I really push myself running heavily to the maximum is when I was 19 years old, and that was like 4 years ago and at that time I did not know anything about spike (well of course, I am not like a very well trained athlete or what), all I knew was that in order to run fast, you just gonna take off your shoes and run bare foot as it will help decrease the surface area or whatever pressure that you are gonna exert on your sole, and I turned out winning a bronze medal after disposing my shoes high up going barefoot for the entire run.

So after 4 years, I was again given a chance to run, it's not really like I volunteer myself to run or had undergo intensive selection to be chose but yet I was given a chance to substitute others, so why not just grab this opportunity and try it out. Moreover, whoever taking part in the competition would eventually get a free ride to and back from Penang Island. It isn't really like a big deal for those who are studying in any big city, but for people like us or just me who are struggling in the area which only had limited shopping mall and no entertainment at all, it would be like skitters falling down all the way from the sky.

We were all asked to train before handed, and with the exams and I was so lay back that I don't even bother to take a step onto the field, so I wounded up not doing anything before the competition, like doing exactly NOTHING in particular.

So on the competition day itself, it was kinda scary at first and yeah, I screwed up the whole thing. I was thinking, well it's just 200m, just run and don't stop, and most crucially, remember to breath. And yes, I do have this audacity to not breath while running and that's why I always finished up the run with stars dancing around me with the urge to purge.

I ran, and I did not stop.

People started to cheer, shouting my name, encouraging me to run as swift as I can, all of the sudden a pang of awkwardness strike through me. I was hoping no one that I knew or from the same house as I am was watching me, because many of them were having high hopes by looking just at my physique because they felt that a tall growth person would probably have a higher tendency to dash as fast as lightning but what they didn't know is that a tall growth person can have a very weak stamina like me, a tall growth person can be proportionately wrong with a long body and a short leg that made them to look so tall that they felt the confidence in winning yet they were as short as other people around, again like me, and a tall growth person can be someone that could not run if she/he didn't train as hard as other teammate, yeh... like me. 😝😝

"Pang"  and there I was out there, running my life out, I held my breath so hard that, again I forgot to breath so I started to concentrate more on my breathing, and my attention immediately altered to my breath counting and I lost track of running. 10 second before I reached the finish line, my energy had totally worn out, I wanted to stop, I was frantically searching for the finish line like, how long do I still need to reach that white line, I started to slow down the pace, even by looking back at the video that I asked to record, I can basically see how my pace deteriorate, and I was like, what the hell had happen?? Push, Push, Push... Push harder, you can definitely do it remember how to strive while you were in secondary school? Run, Run!! Don't let people at the back to over take you, don't don't.

I tried to take a peek to see if I was the last one and kudos to myself, I didn't finish as the last person in the line, but the last two. lollll.. Well, you deserve it ok you lazy bumblebee. At first, I thought guilt will wash over me once I reached the tent, yet, NO, what I felt is remorse for not really doing my best, for not running as fast as I could at the last few second, for slowing down too much that people at the back manage to overtake me just a click like that.

I am a very complicated thinker, sometimes I thought about a lot of unrelated stuff. Few minute after the competition, different stuff started floating in. I started to think of what would happen if I trained harder before the run? I started to push the responsibility away, by telling myself that, "Nope, this is not my thing, this is not what I work for, so I am not to blame. I am never good at this, no no, that's why I lost" Ok, shut up. Shut all these away. STOP.

Even at the beginning of the competition, I never aimed to win anything at all, and this is why I didn't push myself to the edge, that's why I lose to the people out there and little part of myself, I didn't pressure myself like how others pressure themselves to at least win a gold, I set my aim so low that I told them, I just wanna finish my line, and not ended up as the last runner on the track, and yes I did it, even though in mind, I knew that I can be better than that.

When you set your goal too low, you never bother about the placement you get, and when you set your goal a little bit lower, you tend to get slacken away that you won't do your best even the right circumstances were just in front of you and that's why the thought of " I can do much more better than this" occur within me after few minutes looking at the field. Because my goal to win is so low that, I didn't even push myself strong enough to at least overtake the person right in front of me which was just like few second ahead of me. I usually set my goal high, but when it comes to things that I am not comfortable with, I started to back away, and that's when my mentality became weaker as I run, because I kept telling myself to only keep running, but not to win. And you know, if you start telling yourself not to win anything, but just enjoy the run, yesss, I have it all, and this give you more reason to not work harder.

So, it's kind of a lesson I manage to understand. I know, we actually can control all of our action, the outcome and everything, but first of all you have to go the right mind, you have to set your goal right, otherwise you would just ended up nothing.

So, did I set my goal right? I do not know.. I was telling my friend, I can't win and I don't care whether I get into final  or not as long as I am not the last to reach the line. But on the other side, I was asking myself, is this right? Is this what you want? Or actually, you wanted to win, but just that everything is kind of a little bit too late? Well, such paradox statement isn't it.

Because till now, I have no idea what exactly I really want? But you know what, since it had already for over for 2 days, so I will just let it flow out of the stream, but the lesson learnt is not to be forgotten, till next time.