Saddening truth

I am really devastated with everything.

And yeah, another 5% of my pharmacology test result had already out and I had B+ for this time, it deteriorate compared to the first one I took where I scored A (basically because I discussed whole sum of question with my friends and asked some answer from them). Because of this situation, it keeps me wondering of different multiple of question. Am I really meant to failed?? Am I really meant not to be the top, but only be mediocre? Do I have no chance for me to at least once, once to be the top among everyone? Why some of my friend can manage to pull off to be one of the top scorer, while I am still here, struggling and juggling the right way to study and memorize all the words and names?

Basically, the second time of examination wasn't as swift as the previous exam as majority or maybe just minority of the question came out seems to be overly hard to understand and I seems not to have any impression about those question at all. This made me wonder what have I studied so far? Spending my afternoon and night, facing the computer 24 hours, jotting down the important notes without memorizing it, and repeating the same old stuff for the past few hours just to make sure I really do comprehend every single chapters but still I ended up couldn't even score a better result even though I only guessed the answers for most of the question. But yet, why dis one of my friend, who told me that, she had no impression of whatever shit that she is doing, but still manage to pull off with an A, and she is now among the top scorer between my class and Biomedicine class.

Wait a minute, am I jealous of her success? Shouldn't I felt proud of her instead of giving so many judgemental words? I don't know, I mean why can't I be like.. you know, have the luck in guessing for the answer and score a good result even though I am just trying t predict the right answer.

It makes me really sad.

It seems that I didn't really excel in anything at all? Let say about volunteering work. Well, a closest human of mine had already did so many even though things that he did was small and repay him with small impact, but still he execute out the idea that he wanted to do. While me? Sitting here, doing nothing, day dreaming about all the impossibilities that I cannot achieve, thinking about how people started to interview me because I achieve something that non other had. Yeah, I thought all that kind of imagination can make me work extra harder, giving more effort, but still, I seems not improve even a bit, like not even a bit.

I wrote down so many dreams, what I wanted to achieve in few years time, I even sketch it out into my sketch book about academically achievement that I have been dreaming for. Dean list, and all those, but... but... Is it that the effort that I put isn't enough to have what I want to have? Do I really have to be like some of my friend, sitting in front of the laptop like 365 days, no entertainment, finding information about my assignment, revising and memorising slides that was given? Look, even this post seems to be so fragile that, it's not deep, it's not hard to understand, no content and everything, it's bland and words are described in a very bad way. Like a form 4 student would write essay for.

I complaint about how others copying my style, or maybe just my current room-mate, but still, do I think that I have what it takes to be an inspiration to the others? I always compare myself to those who are weaker and diminished than I am so that I won't feel threaten, but in reality, even people who I perceived to be weaker than me, possess something that would made me feel afraid. Shit, what had happened to me? I seems so weak now, I got distracted so easily now, like.. everything I do didn't seems to be in place. my gosh.. Is this my saddening truth? I need to be stronger, but how? HOW??